


" Missing You ... " [ Ciel Phantomhive Love Story ]

by CAmyPhantomhive



Category: Black - Fandom, Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: 2ne1 - Freeform, F/M, Missing you ( 2NE1 ), Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-03
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-02-16 00:04:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 8,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2248479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CAmyPhantomhive/pseuds/CAmyPhantomhive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fanfic based on the song with the same title from the K-Pop band 2NE1 and the world of Kuroshitsuji.</p><p>I don't own anything but the plot, Amanda and Farroko.<br/>All the other rights go to their right owners.</p><p>Enjoy and thank you for reading.</p><p>XO,<br/>~ CAmy</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1.

_**“ Stop acting so comfortable**_  
 _ **Because you and I…**_  
 _ **… We’re still strangers. “**_  
  
 ** _***_**  
  
 **It was a cold winter afternoon.**  
 **Even if the fire was burning in the living room, the big room seemed cold and empty.**  
  
 **I was sitting on my knees beside Farroko, my wolf, who was sleeping in peace , bewitched by the comfort and warmness of the fire.**  
 **I was wearing a bath robe, with my wet blue hair falling down my back and shoulders, waiting to finally dry and then go to sleep.**  
 **….**  
 **Yes – it was only afternoon, but I had no energy to stay awake.**  
 **Not anymore.**  
  
 **I wanted to forget it all and go home.**  
   
 **The Phantomhive manor didn’t seem the right place for me to be.**  
 **Not now.**  
   
 **And maybe it never was, you know ?**  
   
 **It was a house made for lords, rich men …**  
 **And I was a simple gipsy, a thief  …**  
   
 **It doesn’t matter how much someone tried to change me, do my make up, educate me and dress me in the most expensive clothes…**  
 **Once  a gispy – always a gipsy.**  
  
 **Even it the skin doesn’t show it and your eyes are too bright…**  
 **The soul matters the most.**  
  
 **It’s important how you feel.**  
 **Where you spend your childhood.**  
  
 **You can take the girl from the street, but you can’t take the street from the girl.**  
 **…**  
 **And doesn’t matter how many times I lied…**  
 **I was missing home.**  
   
 **After all...**  
 **I had no reason to be there.**  
 **If I was there or gone had no importance.**  
   
 **I was there just for the décor.**  
 **Like a doll you play with and then throw away in a corner when you get bored, leaving it to get full of dust.**  
  
 **That’s what I was in Ciel Phantomhive’s eyes.**  
 **Just a broken, useless doll.**  
 *******  
   
 **My eyes got full of tears when I remembered the times when he said he loved me, gave me my first kiss, dance, night and even when …**  
  
 **He left without saying anything.**  
   
 **He just evaporated like he never was there in the first place.**  
  
   
 **I still remember the day when I went to his room to spend some time together, just like he promised me…**  
 **And the door was locked.**  
  
 **The boy was nowhere to be found in the entire house.**  
 **Not even Sebastian.**  
   
 **The only people there were Mey-Rin, Finny and their crew.**  
   
 **No one knew ( or wanted to tell me ) nothing about them.**  
 **And they left me no letter, no explanation.**  
 **Not even a** ** _“ Good-bye “._**  
   
 **It wasn’t worth it, ey ?**  
 **Not for someone like me, anyway.**  
   
 **Maybe for Lady Elizabeth – yes.**  
 **But I was just another someone unimportant in her essence and with a stupid face ( probably ).**  
   
 **Many days I hoped that he would come back.**  
 **Uncounted nights I’ve fallen asleep at his door just to find it still locked in the morning.**  
 **Nothing changed.**  
   
 **Of course, If he would have returned – I would have felt it …**  
 **Not only because I was sleeping like a little white bunny, but because he must’ve step over me to get into his room.**  
   
 **I even tried to commit suicide,  you know ?**  
 **Because the sadness was too deep and I was feeling worst than worthless.**  
  
 **So one day I got in the bathroom holding a blade and got in the bath-tub dressed, then started to slit my wrists as deep as I could, bitting the towel I was holding in my mouth.**  
  
 **The water was turning red and I began to lose my conscience, the sense of reality, dropping the sharp object in the water and falling on my back.**  
 **I could have died if Mey-Rin didn’t enter the bathroom right in that moment:**  
  
  
  
 **“ Miss Amanda, do you need somet- AAAAAHH!”**  
  
   
 **Then she dropped the items she was holding and ran to me, taking me in her arms and out of the red water.**  
   
 **Mey-Rin looked terrified at me, then took a towel and started to press it on my bleeding scars.**  
   
 **She was sitting on her knees beside me, pressing the towel using both her hands and sometimes tears fell on the back of her hands.**  
 **  
“ Where is Sebastian when you need him ? “ ** **the girl said, sobbing.**  
 **  
“ Where is EVERYONE when you need them ? ! “**  
  
   
 **The purple haired girl then sighed, some more tears fell from her eyes, arranged her glasses and prepared to change the towel.**  
   
 **Just then I looked at her, wiping her tears and smiling tired.**  
   
 **Mey – Rin jumped a little at the feel of my touch and stopped on her tracks.**  
 **  
“ M-Miss Amanda ! “** **she said.**  
 **“ Please stay alive. What am I going to say to the young lord if you would die ? “  
 **  
 **My smile just died.**  
   
 **Why should she explain my death to him ?**  
   
 **He was the one who should’ve gave me explanations…**  
   
 **But he didn’t !**  
  
 **“ Mey – Rin ?”** **I said, slowly.**  
 **  
“ Yes ? ”** **said the purple head, cleaning my wounds with some medicinal substance and preparing to wrap them.**  
  
  
 **“ I’m feeling very tired …”** **I said, looking now at the celling and closing my eyes, feeling a deathly silence.**  
  
  
 **It was just like there was a glass between me and the real world.**  
 **A very big and thick one.**  
   
 **The last thing I heard before passing out was the maid’s voice saying something I haven’t understood very well.**  
   
 **No – I haven’t died.**  
 **I survived and woke up after 2 weeks from the incident – sitting on my bed, wearing a long, night gown and having my wounds wrapped with clean bandages.**  
  
 **Looking around I saw Mey-Rin sleeping on the chair beside my bed.**  
 **When I called her name she jumped right on her feet, holding her hand at her forehead like a faithfull solider at his commander’s order.**  
  
  
 **“ Mey-Rin is at your order. Yes – Yes she is ~ ! “** **she said.**  
  
  
 **I giggled, feeling still a little numb.**  
 **“ You’re dismissed, solider “** **I replied, giving her a wide smile.**  
  
  
 **Then – after some time- I got sad and started thinking again.**  
 **Spacing out.**  
   
 **The girl saw it :**  
 **“ Is there something wrong, miss ? “  
 **  
 **I moved my head as in saying** ** _“ no_** **“.**  
   
 **But I immediately understood that you can’t fool Mey-Rin too easily, even if she seemed childish, naïve…**  
  **She really wasn’t**  
  
 **“ Ciel … ? “** **I asked, bitting my lips and taking a deep breath, expecting the answer that was inevitable anyway.**  
   
 **Mey-Rin lowered her head a little, putting her hand on her apron and falling into silence for some moments.**  
   
 **…**  
 **  
“ I’m sorry. “** **she said.**  
   
 **I straightened my back, saying that it didn’t matter anyway and that I was expecting that.**  
 **  
“ Mey – Rin ? “ ** **I asked her.**  
  
  
 **“ At your orders .** **“ she answered.**  
  
  
 **“ Bring me a glass of water, and then you’re free. “**  
  
  
 **“ Yes, miss !”** **the girl said and immediately got out the room.**  
   
 **I, then, left myself fall on the pillow, closing my eyes and leaving my tears fall freely.**  
  
   
 **When I looked out the window, the sun was setting and the room was painted in a shade of orange.**  
   
 **Probably that was the moment when – in my heart – the desire to go from this place was born.**  
   
 **I had nothing left to do here.**  
  **Nothing at all.**  
  
   
 **Just like a bird at the beginning of the winter, who flies to a warmer, welcoming place.**  
  **The place it calls home.**  
   
 *******  
   
 **Without realizing, lost in the memories of this month, I started to cry… my tears falling on my bath robe and making it a little wet.**  
   
 **I “ woke up “ when Farroko placed his head on my lap, starting to cry a little when he saw I wasn’t paying attention to him.**  
   
 **I looked at him, caressing his head with my bandaged hand, massaging in-between his ears**  
 **“ Not now, boy, “**    **I said trying to smile**  
 **“ I have something to do now, but soon there will only be you, me and our old friends. “**  
   
 **Hearing my promise, even if suspicious, Farroko moved his beautiful head from my knees and I kissed his muzzle before getting up:**  
 **“ You’re a good boy,** **“ I said to him.**  
 **“ I need to think of a gift for you when we will be out of here.”**  
   
 **And before heading for the door I winked at him, while Farroko looked at me worried until I disappeared in the darkness of the hall.**  
   
 *******  
   
 **I wiped the tears off my face, thanking God there was no one home to see me like this.**  
   
 **I told everyone to go home for they are free for the rest of the day.**  
   
 **There was nothing for them to do, anyway, and I didn’t want anyone to stop me from walking away.**  
   
 **I wanted to disappear just like a ghost.**  
  **Unknown, unseen …**  
   
 **Like it never existed in the first place.**  
 **  
   
 **  
 **But plans never turn out the way you want them, and thought they would be.**  
   
 **It is just like fate is playing some sort of game with you, and you can’t do nothing but follow the rules – having no other way to go.**  
   
 **You can’t fight with it.**  
   
 *******  
   
 **So I headed to my room, which was on the opposite wall from Ciel’s, at the end of the hallway.**  
   
 **This time I didn’t try the doorknob and I didn’t like I once did.**  
   
  
 **I knew there was no one there, so I didn’t even look.**  
 **I just walked right past it, looking at the floor.**  
 **  
 **  
 **Getting to my destination I closed the door and locked it behind me.**  
   
 **Even if I knew there was no one to enter and my gesture was in vain … I still wanted to know it locked.**  
   
 **It made me feel safe.**  
 **But safe from … what ?!**  
 **  
 **  
 **I then headed to the wardrobe, opening it wide and picking up a dress, just like I did in every other day.**  
   
 **The dress I choosed was blue and black, gothic style, and matched my eyes and my hair perfectly ( not that it mattered anymore – but blue was one of my favorite colors of all times ).**  
   
 **On my feet I was wearing some black stocking and black botins with blue strings.**  
   
 **The dress and the rest of my outfit wasn’t a set, but they were a perfect match.**  
  
   
 **Preparing my other dresses in suitcases and the shoe boxes above them, I went to the mirror on which’s table were placed all my make-up products.**  
   
 **Sitting down on the regal chair with a little red pillow on it, I started to prepare myself.**  
  
   
 **When I finished I was looking just like a doll from the Funtom Company and bewitched by a fairy to be alive and talk.**  
   
 **My reflection was, indeed, beautiful – but I couldn’t recognize it.**  
   
 **In front of me there stood a beautiful girl, with porcelain face, red lips which looked like being drawn by an skillfull artist and glowing like a pair of rose petals touched by the morning’s dew.**  
   
 **My eyes were contured, like always, with a thick line which gave them an smiling, happy look – and the pink eyeshadow along with the blue one make my eye red/blue eyes stand out more.**  
   
 **Just like a pearl in the light of the sun.**  
  
   
 **I was so absorbed by my reflection and it was like everything around me disappeared in just a moment.**  
   
 **Because of this I failed to see the carriage that stopped in front of the gates and the silhouettes that exited it ( one taller than the other ).**  
   
 **I didn’t even heard the entrance door, nor the footsteps …**  
 **Nothing.**  
   
 **It was just like I was in some kind of trance.**  
  
   
 **When I woke up from day dreaming I blinked 2 times and quickly got the bath robe off, remaining on my panties, bra  and stocking.**  
   
 **But when I got to the corset I realized that I needed help and there was no one to help me.**  
   
 **Wow … Fantastic baby !**  
  
   
 **Looking at my dress hopeless, I mumbled to myself:**  
 **“ I wish Mey – Rin or even Sebastian were here . “**  
  
  
 **Right behind me, tickling my ear with warm – fresh breath, there was Sebastian who was very close to me.**  
 **“ Did you call, miss ?”** **he asked, looking at me with his deep red, bewitching eyes.**  
 **They were beautiful but demonic ones.**  
  
 **Immediately my face got red, and my heart started beating much faster than before.**  
 **I turned to him, covering my body with my dress.**  
   
 **I couldn’t let him see my panties…**  
 **Could I ?**  
 **  
“S- Seebastiaaaan ?”  ** **I asked surprised, pinning myself at the end of the bed.**  
 **“ But … What ? When … ? Where ? “**  
  
  
 **The ravenette placed his hand on the left part of his chest and bowed in front of me, contempling my body a few moments from head to toe, then he said lifting my chin to look at him :**  
 **“ I heard you saying my name,”** **he said in a sexy voice.** **“ And because our guests’ wish is my demand … here I am. So how can I help you ? “**  
   
 **I shoved my dress in his face, trying to keep my authority, closing my eyes in the process:**  
 **“ Help me with my corset. “**  
  
  
 **He giggled**  
 **“ Very well then. Get on the bed. “**  
  
  
 **This was going to seem ecchi.**  
  
 **It always did…**  
  
 **But in reality we didn’t do anything.**  
 **He was just putting on my corset and my dress, and I was complaining like a little kid that it was too tight.**  
 **  
_*** Time skip brought to you by Ciel Phantomhive playing Flappy Bird ***_  
 **  
 **After I was ready, Sebastian left…**  
   
 **But not before saying that lord Phantomhive was waiting for me in his office.**  
   
 **He then brushed one of my locks from my shoulder, touching my skin with his white glove in the process, then winked and left.**  
   
 **Sebastian opened the door with no problem, closed it and disappeared.**  
   
 **I was surprised – but maybe he had the key of every room so …**  
   
 **Yeah – that must be it.**  
 **Why do I think so much about such evident stuff ?**  
   
 **I needed to go, meet Ciel and tell him that I decided to go back home.**  
   
 **That everything between us was completely over.**  
   
 **That I want to leave him just the way he left me – except the fact that I am not going to return.**  
  
   
 **After I put my shoes on and completed my look, I exited my room and walked to the office of mister Phantomhive.**  
   
 **Knocking on the door, I awaited for the signal to come in.**  
   
 **It came quickly, and I entered the room trying to block the images of the last week out of my head along with any feeling left in my heart.**  
   
 **Closing the door slowly behind me, I felt my knees going weak seeing the guy I’ve been in love with and the room where we kissed so many times before, sharing our secret love behind the wooden door.**  
   
 **I was facing his back, while he was staring out the window and I decided to capture his attention, speaking loud enough so he could hear me but having no energy:**  
 **“ Did you want to see me, Lord Phantomhive ? “**  
  
 **At the sound of my voice, the boy turned to me and contemplated my look before asking:**  
 **“ Amanda ? “  
 **  
 **I bowed before him.**  
 **“ Yes. It’s me, young master. “  
 **  
 **My words got out my mouth without me controlling them.**  
 **It was like I was a plane on “ automate pilot “.**  
   
 **Ciel breathed in, smiling a little, and ran to me to hug me.**  
  
 **He took me closer to his chest, saying lovingly:**  
  
  **“ You know you don’t have to use those formalities when there’s only the two of us. For you I am only Ciel “.**  
  
 **“ … “**  
  
  
 **It requited all my willing to push myself away from his warm embrace.**  
  
 **All these things had a bitter sweet taste for me, and even if they made me feel good …**  
 **I couldn’t risk to be hurt again.**  
 **  
“ I am sorry, but the difference of rank, education and social status obligates me to be polite with you”** **I said looking at the carpet on the floor, trying to hide every emotion I could show.**  
   
 **Lord Phantomhive looked surprised, not understanding what I was talking about.**  
  
 **I, for one, knew very well.**  
 **I knew very well that if I looked into those eyes I would give in without a doubt.**  
   
 **That’s why I was standing like a Holly Maiden, with my hands on my lap and looking at the ground, feeling Ciel’s stare while he was trying to find his words.**


	2. Chapter 2.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2.

**“ Stop whining like you’re a child**  
 **… Because I haven’t even started yet “**  
  
***  
  
It didn’t felt good to hear myself talking to him the way I did, but maybe it was better to extract the hurting tooth instead of pretending and letting him believe that everything he did to me was OK and I would accept it without saying a word of protest.  
  
Life teached me that once someone hurts you … there would be a second time.  
  
A third…  
  
And it will go like this until you decide to say something about that and kill the lights on what you two had.  
   
I couldn’t say it wasn’t true.  
I knew it was going to be like this – and I wasn’t the type of person that could easily face the pain.  
   
Yes – I was stupid, a coward.  
A person who would rather run away than fight for what she loves.  
...  
But excuse me if I don’t want someone to smash my heart with a hammer.  
Enough is enough.  
   
Ciel finally moved and tried to take my hand, but I didn’t let him, making him look into my eyes, worried:  
 **“ Tell me: Why are you acting so strange ?** “ he asked  
 **“ What happened with you ? With us ? “**  
   
I lifted my eyes up to him, and he was fighting back some tears.  
  
Only looking at them made me feel worse than I already did.  
   
So many thoughts in my head and still … I wasn’t saying anything.  
I didn’t even know what to .  
   
 **“ I’m afraid there’s no such thing as _us_ , my lord **“ I answered with a cold voice, but still it sounded broken.  
 ** _“ Not anymore. “_**  
   
His eyes widened and his tears started to fall while he managed to take me in his arms and hold me tight, even if I tried to push him away.  
  
He wouldn’t move even a bit.  
 **“ No, “**  he said, pressing his body on mine like he was fearing that if he let me go … I would be gone and lost forever.  
 **“ Just give me a reason,**  “ Ciel demanded, raising his tone, his voice being shaky and his head on my shoulder.  
 **“ What have I done ? “**  
   
Even if I tried to push him away earlier, now I was standing like a statue, looking coldly out the window.  
  
After some seconds of silence, I gave him the answer he was waiting for:  
 “  **You left ….** “ I said  
 **“ You left me without saying good-bye or telling me why “.**  
   
He lifted his head and, still holding me close, whispered in my ear:  
   
 **“ But now I am back,  Amanda “**  Ciel said  
 **“ I am with you . “**  
   
Then loosened his grip, lifting my chin with one hand and forcing me to look at him.  
   
I would usually give up immediately…  
But now everything was in vain.  
   
 **“ It is too late, Lord Phantomhive “**  I said, closing my eyes and moving his hand from my chin.  
   
The boy growled, wipping away his tears – looking like a little child.  
   
 **“ I can’t let you go “** he said, being stubborn once again.  
 **“ I am not giving up on you “**  
   
 **“ You must. “**  I said looking at him just one second before continuing  
 **“ Even if you’re crying … nothing’s gonna change.  I know it too well. “**  
   
He slammed his feet on the ground, then turned around and threw his chess table away – making me back away in fear at the sound it made when it fell down.  
   
Ciel was acting just like a baby you were not giving what he wants.  
   
… And you would think he got used to loosing by now.  
  
   
But – clearly - he didn’t


	3. Chapter 3.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 3.

**“ I don’t want a love that feels like a child playing with fire“**

 

***

 

The fact that he preferred to throw away his chess table  instead of slapping me was surprising.

Even so, he would’ve had  the right to slap me ( and I think that he would’ve feel  better ).

 

It wouldn’t make a difference for me, anyway.

To be honest – no pain  could equal the one inside my soul.

 

Ciel stopped on his tracks for some moments, breathed in, and turned around to face me with such a calm face that felt weird and send chills down my spine.

Could he really calm himself so quickly ?

 

 Unbelieveable.

 

 **“ So … “**  he began

**“ You don’t love me anymore ? “**

 

 **“ I do love you. But – “** I answered, rubbing my hands together and unknowing what to say next. 

My stomach was full of butterflies.

 

**“ But ? “**

 

 **“ But I just can’t risk again, Ciel “**  I said, sounding a little bit bitter and louder than how I intended to.

**“ My love for you makes me feel like I am a little child playing with fire.**   
**And what do you think happens in the end ? ...**

**It burns. And it burns hard.**

**I don’t want it. “**

 

Ciel sighed and the silence fell upon our heads, the boy trying to “ swallow “ every word I just said.

After some moments he turned around,  got extremely close to me, grabbed my hands and pushed me to the wall – pinning me to it – then kissed me softly but passionately right on the lips.

 

It was the kind of kiss that could make my knees melt and “ brush “ his hair with my hands.

But now they were held by him, so I couldn’t do anything but kiss back and enjoy every second of it like it was the last of my life.

 

His mouth tasted like mint and strawberry chocolate.

It made me smile.

 

 **“ He was always crazy after sweets “**  I thought

**“ That’s so like you, Ciel … “.**

 

We broke apart after some time, and Ciel smiled satisfied seeing my blush along with a pair of glowing eyes.

 

Looking into his blue eye I felt a flame inside my soul and my heart.

Then the fire appeared.

Much powerfull and dangerous than before.

 

It was the fire I was playing with – and Lord Phantomhive was the match that started it.


	4. Chapter 4.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 4.

**Author's note: I apologise for every grammar mistake I might have - but giving the fact that English is not my mother language I hope you'll understand that even if I** **try my best I am not perfect ^^.**

**Thank you and thanks for reading.**

**XO,**

**CAmy.**   ****

*******

 

**“ I’m just a little famished**

**…**

**I’m alright ! … “**

 

***

Still holding my hand, he got away a few steps to have a better view of the girl that was standing in front of him.

 

To admire the clothes I was wearing up close.

 

But even if I was staring at my shoes, I could feel him staring especially at my body – just like he always did.

So it was nothing special.

 

This time my first thought was to wrap my hands around it and form a barrier between me and him – but my hands were held by his own.

Having such a great sense of observation, Ciel quickly observed the sudden movement of my hands and took a quick look at them before turning his gaze to me, thinking:

 

**“ Amanda ? “**

 

**“ Hmm … ? “**

 

He held my bandaged hand up so I can see what he was going to talk about.

 

 **“ Can you explain to me what is this ?!** “  he asked, holding my wrist tighter and making my wounds hurt again for they were being pressed by the young lord’s fingers.

 

I jumped a little because of pain and surprise.

I don’t think he realized that I could feel too – that he was hurting me.

 

His eyes were staring into mine and he was looking fierce.

 

I’ve held his gaze a few moments before looking at my wrist:

**“ It hurts … “**

 

Ciel unfurrowed his brows and now he let my hand go, following it going on its place with a melancholic stare.

I’ve quickly hidden my bandage with the sleeve of my dress and with my short black glove .

 

 **“ Even so, “** he insisted.

**“ I still want to know what happened to your hand. “**

 

I esitated some minutes, to be honest.

 

But then I realized that if I wouldn’t answer his question now … the discussion was never going to stop .

Because that’s how Ciel was – stubborn.

 

He  never gave up until he found out what he wanted to know.

He could keep talking about the same thing over and over again – days, weeks, months … YEARS !

 

Sometimes he took everything too seriously , and was too curious.

But the curiosity could kill the cat.

 

 **“ Oh … ! “** I finally decided to brush it off like it was something unimportant.

**“ I had an accident in the kitchen helping Mey-Rin to prepare the dinner 2 days ago. It was an complicated recipe  so she needed help. “**

 

Ciel breathed out, looking like I just took a rock off his chest.

You could even say he was expecting me to say that I tried to commit suicide or something like this.

 

Suspecting the truth.

 

He then got lost in his thoughts, staring blankly into space and looking like he wanted to say something but didn’t know how.

 

Finally, furrowing his eyebrows a little again, he lifted his hand to his chin and looking at my body once again the blue haired said :

 

 **“ This dress used to be tighter on you. “**  he remarked.

**“ Have you lost weight ? “**

 

His remark got me with off guard, and that’s why I widened my eyes in surprise:

 

 **“ What ? “** I asked, looking at my dress, and then laughing a forced laugh.

**“ Ahahaha. No… Actually I had so many things to do that I actually forgot to eat.**

**But I’ve eaten when I could, so don’t worry. “**

 

 **“ So you’re hungry “**  the boy simply said.

 

I opened my mouth, intending to say something and say no – but Ciel shouted to the door:

**“ Sebastian !!! “**

 

And there he was again .

 

The black butler…

 

He appeared beside Ciel like he had been there the entire time without even opening the door or knocking, or … or …

 What ?!

 

His eyes glowed with a fire red when he looked at me for some seconds before bowing and asking like he always did:

 

 **“ Did you call, young master ?** “ Sebastian asked smiling mysteriously and waiting for Phantomhive’s order.

 

The young master didn’t even bothered to look at him and just ordered, short and at the object:

 

**“ Prepare the dinner. Miss Amanda is hungry. “**

 

 **“ What ?! I didn- “** I tried to say.

 

But Sebastian left me no time for he just said  **“ Yes, my lord**  “  and disappeared like a ghost.

 

Ciel then turned to me smiling ( it is just me – or was he smiling too often now than he usually did ? ), took my hand, held me close and then adopted a tango position in which he was standing above, and I was leaning on my back being held by his other hand.

 

 **“ Oh Amanda, Amanda, Amanda …**  “ he sang, looking at me with a dreamy stare then lifting me up and holding his arm up so I could make a pirouette, pulling me in a tight embrace after that and placing his head on my shoulder

**“ Only this time – let me take care of you. “**

 

Then the lord kissed me again quickly, unwrapped his arms from around me and leaded me to the door, outside the room – to the dinning salon.


	5. Chapter 5.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 5.

**_" Actually ? No, I ..._ **

**_..._ **

**_I'm still hating you._ **

**_The one who left me. "_ **

 

***

 

Following him on the corridors, letting myself being leaded by him made me feel disgusted by my own person.

I went to his study to tell him that I was going to leave.

That everything was over.

 

But, as always, I gave in into his arms like a doll made of cloth.

I gave in to the butterflies flying in my stomach.

 

And ? After all of this ?

I was feeling miserable – like a caged bird who was disperately searching for a way out and broke her wings, her beak into the process.

 

I didn’t know how much time I could go on like this – staying in this house which felt strange and with the boy I couldn’t even recognize anymore.

 

The young lord I fell in love with wouldn’t let me behind and just walk away.

NEVER !

 

For the boy who did it – even if he returned after some time – I was feeling nothing but disappointment.

 

I was looking at his navy-blue hair, his fancy clothes and proud walk  but everything I saw was the ghost of the boy I once loved.

A ghost who didn’t do anything more than bringing back the pain of the past month.

The ghost I needed to get way from – now and forever !

 

And I was going to do it soon.

I was just waiting for the perfect moment, hoping that it would show up soon enough.

 

***

 

We continued our way through the corridors with walls full of pictures, down stairs and to the salon.

With every minute the feeling of unpatience grew into my soul and my blood was burning in my veins.

 

That’s how it happened that, when we were right at the entrance, I decided to make myself clear.

I took my hand out of his grip, stoping on my tracks and making him turn around to look at me:

 

 **“ Are you ok ? “** he asked, one of his eyebrows rising.

 

I clenched my fists and took a deep breath:

 

 **“ Actually, no … “** I said.

**“ Ciel, I – “**

 

Sebastian appeared wearing a kitchen apron over his clothes, being completely clean and smiling happily like he was glad to see us.

He was carrying a covered plate on one of his hands.

 

 **“ My lord. Miss Lovett.** “ he said politely but enthusiastic too.

**“ The dinner is ready “**

 

He haughtly leaded us to the beautifully decorated table with roses freshly took from the garden , candles and many types of good smelling food.

The view would’ve make me so happy if I wasn’t feeling like my place wasn’t here.

 

I was a liar.

A coward.

Unable to do anything.

 

All those adjectives but the good ones.

 

Ciel held my chair like a gentle man, and I took a seat, tilting my head in a manner that wanted to say **_“ thank you, sir “_**.

He sat down at the other end of the table, ordered Sebastian to light the candles and switch the power off, then tilted his head lightly to the side, held it with his hand and stared at me with dreamy eyes.

 

I smiled at him, apparently happy, and then started to examine all the types of food on the table.

 

It was just an excuse to avoid looking at him.

I was actually trying to find a way out of this maze – but the light at the end of the tunnel wasn’t showing up anywhere.

 

Yet.


	6. Chapter 6.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 6.

**_“ My heart that burned out so coldly is still …_ **

**_Missing you “_ **

 

***

 

Even so, Ciel’s blue eye was following my every move like I was a bird singing in a cage.

 

Sometimes I would look at him with the corner of my eye and see him still looking at me.

When our eyes connected I would blush and smile, then moving my eyes elsewhere and trying to get to the food.

But I wouldn’t put too much effort on getting it or have a big portion.

 

Why ?

Simply because I couldn’t eat when I was stressed and – as I tried to say before – I wasn’t even hungry.

 

I had a small portion of spaghetti, but I haven’t even touch it.

I was just playing with the fork, moving in through the plate and holding my head with my hand just like I saw something oh-so-interesting down there.

Like I just discovered America again or something like this.

 

In reality I was re-living all the memories I had with my lord – feeling his scent, soft kisses on my neck, the sweet taste of his lips and how they always seem like they were made of sugar.

 

And I was finding myself staring like an idiot at his lips which looked like they were drawn, made of silk and had a pink color like they were two flower petals.

In that moment I felt like I was under a spell.

 

I could just jump on the table to feel their taste and his touch …

But I stood still.

 

Such things weren’t so lady like – were they ?

 

It’s just that I wasn’t even close to a lady on my essence.

 

I had the wild blood of a gipsy, a thief, a bad girl.

And I was a Shinigami, after all.

 

The urge to kiss him became stronger .

I don’t know if it was because of the light, the atmosphere or the memories … but that was just my wish.

My only wish in that moment.

 

Realizing what I’ve been thinking about I face-palmed myself in my head:

**_“ Wake up, you idiot ! “_ **

 

After that I started to scratch the plate with my fork even stronger – and I don’t think I was realizing what I was doing in that moment.

How I was acting.

 

I was trying to think about anything else but him.

 

I was stopped from all my actions when I jumped in fear, feeling a light touch on my shoulder.

 

Turning around on my chair to face the person who was behind me, I saw the person who was at the end of the table a couple of minutes ago.

 

How could he appear without making a sound ?

First Sebastian … now Ciel.

 

How … ?

 

Oh my God, I think too much !

…

He probably got there while I was trying to think about rainbow  cats from space and that’s why I haven’t heard a thing.

Such big deal …!

 

 **“ Do you need something ?** “ Ciel asked softly.

**“ To be honest – I am worried. You haven’t eaten anything yet “.**

 

He then began to stroke my hair, sometimes touching my face and sending chills down my spine.

 **“ Amanda … What is wrong with you ? “** he said, leaning down so he could be at my level and making me look at him.

 

Bewitched, I couldn’t say anything but :

**“ Shieru … “**

 

Before he could say anything I kissed him, connecting my lips with his and wrapping my arms around his waist.

Closing my eyes I felt him kissing me back ( even if surprised at first ), taking me into his arms and dragging me on the floor with him.

 

For a moment I had the sensation of flying and I was happy.

Then he placed me on the floor so he could be above, breaking the kiss and smiling wide like a fox.

 

 **“ I am always the leader “** Ciel said softly before placing kisses on my neck.

 

I was feeling fantastic.

Closing my eyes, holding him in my arms I felt that I had Ciel again.

 

The old Ciel.

 

I’ve been missing him so much…

And I still did.

 

A tear began to fall from my eyes.


	7. Chapter 7.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 7.

**_“ Stop being so bright like that…_ **

**_Because the world is originaly dark._ **

**_( You heard what I said ) “_ **

***

And in one moment all my happy thoughts disappeared and instead there was Lady Elizabeth’s face.

Ciel’s fiancée.

She was the biggest obstacle in our relationship and I knew that as long as he will be engaged with her I can never be Ciel Phantomhive’s official girlfriend.

 

But maybe I shouldn’t.

Maybe an ordinary gipsy like me doesn’t have a place in the rich world of London.

This world isn’t for anyone, just like the “ Phantomhive “ name – a name so important among the citizens – wasn’t meant for me.

 

I was just Amanda Maria Lovett.

An ordinary girl who had the luck ( or maybe not ) to cross lord Phantomhive’s path and spend some time with him.

 

Even so, we didn’t go too far because my conscience wouldn’t let me.

He was Elizabeth’s – not mine.

I was always called **_“ a very good friend “_** in front of others.

 

Where it matters.

 

And I was done with hiding my feelings.

I wanted all or nothing – and because I knew I couldn’t have what I wanted I chose to give up when I still had some demnity left.

To exit the stage when it was still not too late  and let destiny do its job.

 

Of course – it wasn’t like we didn’t talk about it.

It wasn’t like I didn’t told him all my killing thoughts …

…

But everytime – EVERYTIME – he would look down and tell me the same sentence:

**_“I am going break off the engagement with Elizabeth soon. “_ **

And even to this day … He didn’t.

 

I couldn’t wait any longer – it was me or her.

Even if I never talk about it like this … that’s what I how I was thinking.

 

The time was quickly passing by and I wanted to quit this emotional spiral.

 

 **“ Stop. Ciel … “** I said when I felt him touching the strings of my dress.

**“ It is not the time nor the place for things like this. “**

 

At the end of the day we were just 2 kids, weren’t we ?

This kind of stuff is meant for adults.

 

… And for married/engaged couples.

 

…

Ciel didn’t said anything but smiled and got up, then hold his hand out to help me get up as well.

 

I accepted his help and got up looking at him for just a second so I could see how beautiful his eyes were glowing.

 

Then, seeing myself up, I arranged my clothes, hair and bowed respectfully in front of the boy thanking him for his help.

 

Ciel kissed my forehead and gently stroked my hair :

 

 **“ Anything for you, my Queen** “ he lovingly said.

 

It hit me like a thunder – like a hard rock fell on my head and heart…

Like a speeding train moving its trails.

 

Did he just call me his **QUEEN** ?

 

Oh my God…

…

Gently smiling I took his hand in my own and caressed his hair before saying with a motherly tone:

 

 **“ Why aren’t you obedient, Ciel ? “** I asked

**“ You know that such big words and pseudonims are meant for your fiancée . It is not worth wasting them on me “.**


	8. Chapter 7.2.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final of part 7.

Ciel stopped my hand while it was caressing his cheek and hold it right where it was with his own – probably to feel my warmth.

He then looked at me lovingly and his eyes were glowing just like they were burning in the night.

 

I couldn’t understand his happiness when, in my heart, there was so much sorrow and today my smile was fake most of the time.

 **“ How can you smile so bright ? “** I thought out loud enough for him to hear me.


	9. Chapter 8.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 8.

**_“ How can you smile so  brightly ? ( What ?)_ **

**_…_ **

**_But looking closely…_ **

**_I see your face is sad ( I know – I’ve been there before ). “_ **

 

***

Even so, he didn’t say a word, acting just like he didn’t hear me and just took my fingers to his lips then proceeded to kiss each of them.

 

After that, Ciel got down to my wrist and caressed my bandage staring at it and looking like he was thinking about something I could never dare to ask.

 

When he kissed my wrist I was surprised:

 

 **“ M-my Lord … “** was everything I could say.

 

 

He just smiled and closed his eyes, looking much younger than he was.

Just like he had no worry in the world.

 

If one thing I know … He was acting strange.

Even since we were **_“ in a relationship “,_** I’ve never seen him so happy or smiling very often.

 

But…

Wait !

 

It wasn’t happiness.

Looking closely at his face I saw that it was a hidden sadness – masked.

A prefabricated happiness.

 

Why was he wearing that mask with me ?

To hide the fact that he was not in love with me and everytime we were together he was thinking about  Lizzy ?

 

No problem ~ !

I already found out ( not long ago … but I did ).

 

Maybe that mask had me fooled until now …

But the fog was lifting and the mask was falling off, letting me see what was hiding behind it.

…

And I didn’t intended to be there when it was completely off.

Why ? Because then **“ my Ciel “** would be really gone.

 

 **“ I promised** “ he said **“ that we will spend some time together. Now I just want to keep my promise. “**

 

His voice sounded so calm – so melancholic.

The blue haired boy was so calm comparing to how he was before – when he threw his chess table on the floor of his study after he cried.

 

Something strange was happening.

A sudden change doesn’t smell too good.

 

It is just the calm before the storm.

 

 

Taking a deep breath and looking worried, I said :

 

**“ Stop playing games with me ! “**

 

**“ What ? “**

 

 

I took a few steps back:

**“ You know very well what !**

**You’re trying to fake everything. To pretend that you are happy – that everything is OK …**

**… That we are OK** “ I said.

 

**“ But you fail to remember that I am a Shinigami and can read in people souls like open books – behind the smiling masks.**

**…**

**You – Ciel Phantomhive – are everything but happy.**

**Recognize it.**

**You don’t have to wear masks. Not with me. “**

 

He let go of my hand and brushed his hair, thinking.

 

**“ I know how you’re feeling because I’ve been there before.**

**But even now - I’m returning sometimes … Even more often than I would like to. “**

 

And after my words died…

 

The silence was born.


	10. Chapter 9.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 9.

**_“ I don’t like the calculative love of adults. “_ **

****

***

 

Ciel turned his back on me , passing by the left side of the table then headed to his place while touching the table cloth with the tip of his fingers.

 

I stood still on my place – right where the boy had left me.

The dinner was over anyway ( at least for me ) … and even if I would sit down again I wouldn’t stop moving , damaging my dress.

 

So it was better for me to stand on my feet – at least for now.

 

Lord Phantomhive got beside his chair, took a sip of his favorite tea and, without looking at me :

 **“ I know what you want, Amanda “** he said , clearing his throat.   **“ I understood it from the first time you told me your wish. “**

 

I grimaced.

 **“ And still you did nothing on this matter “** I said, trying to keep calm even if my voice was shaking a bit.

**“ Even to this day  … you couldn’t grant my wish.**

**You just chose to ran away and couldn’t at least tell me ! “**

 

He stood there without saying anything.

**“ This problem isn’t that easy to be solved, and I have other stuff to do.**

**Things like this need time, peace…**

**You should’ve known better than me that every decision counts, since we took you from the streets.**

**…**

**Taking it too quick might cost you your freedom. “**

 

 **“ You had enough time “** I replied. **“ This life doesn’t last forever and I’m not going to wait for you to make up your mind like standing in a line at a shop.**

**Some people choose love first… But you ?**

**You are something else. “**

 

Ciel passed the back of his chair , to the other side of the table, placing his hand on the back of the chair and looking at me with sad eyes:

 **“ But you know that I love you ! “** he said **“ I proved it so many times ! “**

 

I furrowed my eyebrows:

 **“ Really, Ciel ? “** I asked ironically, smiling sad and unbelieving. **“ I used to believe you, and in the beginning in was nice…**

**But your love isn’t for free, sweetie.**

**…**

**You always put me on the 3 rd place and then say you’re sorry, repeat the same theories, fake smiles…**

**Just like in cheap movies.**

**When I ask you … you try to explain with words. But you know what ? “**

**“ … “**

**“ You don’t explain love. You must feel it ! “**

I was feeling bad knowing that – maybe – I was talking too much and didn’t listen to what he had to say…

But whatever.

In that case, the silence wasn’t golden and some things must be said.

…

Because, after all … at the end of the day the things you haven’t said hurt more than the one you had.

You could move on with your live and let the past and pain behind.

You just let go.

 

 **“ You don’t understand “** he said **“ I am not a God, nor a wizard.**

**I can’t fix everything by just snapping my fingers, and I promised you that everything will be okay in time, didn’t I ?**

**But it seems that you choose not to have at least a little faith in me.**

**Without faith … how can a relationship work ? “**

 

I rolled my eyes.

**“ Ah ! You’re right. I don’t trust you even a tiny bit.**

**You know why ? Because you never proved me you deserve !**

**I can expect the unexpected from you.**

**And – to be honest ? I’m done.**

**I’m done being being a child who’s living a love like the adults..**

**At my age I should be dressing up the dolls from your company – but I stand there and watch my life passing by for nothing ! “**

 

I then quickly headed for the door, making a dramatic quit, and when Ciel wanted to grab my hand I shoved him away saying just these words :

 

**“ No. Leave me alone.  
I am tired “.**

 

Before getting to the stairs I could hear his voice saying:

**“ Sebastian … You may now clean.**

**The dinner is over.”**


	11. Chapter 10.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 10 :).

**“ I’m just a little tired …**

**…**

**I’m alright. “**

*******

 

After that, I quickly went upstairs, straight to my room, sending a telepathic message to Farroko just to tell him that we will get going soon.

 

When I got into my room, instead of getting ready, I sat on my bed for I was feeling tired, stressed. Everything but the word “ **great** “ or “ **fine** “.

 

I didn’t took the time to lock the door cause, after all - if they wanted to come in - Ciel and Sebastian would simply appear from nowhere…

It was useless, anyway.

And I didn’t care. Not anymore.

…

From my point of view everything could happen and it would still leave me cold after everything I’ve been through.

 

Turning around on my bed to face the door and bringing my knees to my chest, I stood there just like this until I fell asleep ( but had no dreams ).

It was resting enough, I shall say.


	12. Chapter 11.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 11.

**“ No, to be honest  I …**  
 **…**  
 **I still hate the guy who left me**  
 *******  
 **My heart that burned out so coldly is still**  
   
 **Missing you. “**

  
   
I woke up when the sun was already gone and the snow flakes were setting down on the white ground and trees.  
  
I got up from my bed and went to the window, looking down at the majestic view of the white garden.  
  
Everything was covered in white – the cold snow being lightened ( there and there ) by a street lantern, getting an romantic orange color.  
  
I sighed and softly touched the window, remembering the times when Ciel and I were playing together in the snow, having snowball fights, building snow men and making angels…  
  
We were so happy and having fun – full of snow from head to toe.  
So what if we were to catch a cold ?  
We were living the moment ~ !  
…  
At least I did.  
Ciel ? I shall never know.  
He was and always will be an enigma.  
   
But then, when we fell down one upon each other ( by mistake ) … we kissed for the first time.  
  
It was then when it all began.  
It was then when I fell head over heels in love with him.  
...  
And today it was over – also in a winter day.  
Our story was ending in a perfect circle, and it was more than enough.  
   
 **“ _Everything seems so beautiful when you have to leave_ … “ **I told myself, turning my back to the window and turning the photograph of me and Ciel upside down on the “ make-up table “ that was now empty.  
  
My suitcases were already done beside my bed, like magic, and the clothes I was going to wear were placed on the back of the chair Mey Rin used to stay when she was with me.  
  
The one from the lecture table.


	13. Chapter 12.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE END.

**“ My young love is ending this way.**  
 **Please be happy**  
 **…**  
 **Even after a long time passes**  
 **We’ll both remember each other**  
   
 **That one time when we were together … “**  
  
   
I got dressed, arranged my hair and, taking my suitcases in my hands, I walked to the door looking for the last time at the room that was once mine.  
  
While I was walking down the stairs to meet Farroko at the end of them, I was feeling like I was leaving a piece of my soul behind, and I could not fight this feeling.  
  
It was real.  
  
…  
  
I patted my wolf on his head, and he closed his eyes a bit – relaxing.  
“  ** _Let’s go, boy_**  “ I said, stepping off the last stair.  
   
We slowly walked to the main door, walking through the big dark hall, and the we got out – meeting the fairytale like peisage, breathing in the cold air of the winter night.  
  
I took a deep breath looking at the night sky, and then I turned to look at the dark windows of the Phantomhive manor ( which I was going to finally leave forever ).  
And, for a second, I saw the glow of two red eyes watching me from the darkness and I felt like I already knew who it was.  
  
But I got down the stairs and – together with Farroko – I walked through the yard, till we finally arrived at the gates, ignoring the feeling that I was still being watched by someone from behind.  
  
Passing past the gate and closing it behind me, I continued to walk till the night swallowed my silhouette and the Phantomhive manor was far behind me.  
  
Just like my past and the old me.  
   
 **THE END.**


	14. ♥ ~ Amy's Official Facebook Page ~ ♥

Hello everyone ~ ♥ !

 

If you like my writing, it would be very kind of you to show your support by liking my Facebook page that I created recently and can be found at this adress:

https://www.facebook.com/CountessAmyPhntmhv/

 

Thank you guys so much !

  
Always with love,  
CAmy ♥ .


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